I Know

I know when it’s happening,
Lots of things going on,
Some of them unexplainable,
A lot are probably just me thinking too much.
Sleeping in this morning was necessary,
Yesterday the mental combine was running in wet fields
Leaving a rotting thatch of thoughts that often
Bring a little clarity when things dry out.
I wrote of the difficulty of making changes,
How hard it is to switch long-lived habits,
Especially when the change is solo
In a place where no one else wants to come along.
I ran wild in my journal,
Comparing my situation to that of addicts
Who get clean and wind up in the same place,
Tempted, tormented, terrorized by the culture
That they worked so hard to escape.
I scribbled about prisoners finding freedom
Rehabilitated from their criminal ways
To a point where the jailers think they might
Be able to succeed in society.
But the old ways are hard to reform
When the new ways put up walls to starting over,
For many old and new become the same.
Addicts and prisoners, living lives way more complicated than mine,
Both of which I’m aspiring to avoid, at least in reality’s sense,
Truth is, I’m hoping to prevent either from happening to me,
My family, or my students,
And to compare my interest in not eating meat to
Drug addiction or the horrible scenarios associated with prisons
Is folly at best.
But, “All the stuff going on in your head,” as my friend said,
Is me, thinker, reformer, theoretical vagabond,
Surfing from one thought to the next,
Riding the emotional currents wherever they will take me.
And at this moment, they are taking me to watch kids play basketball,
A mindless existence that will let the other stuff run its course.
Tomorrow will come
I’ll run through the dark until the sun is almost up.

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