Horsing Around (#3)

Horsing Around

Rory parlayed his celebrity from the Little Sue incident into a decent sum of money. One day at Hardee’s he was listening to a grandmother complain that her granddaughter did not appreciate the lavish gifts the matron spend on the youngster. Evidently, a horse was too much for the toddler to appreciate.

“Excuse me, ma’am, I couldn’t help but overhear that you have a horse that is not wanted. I happen to be interested in owning a horse,” said Rory.

Over biscuits and gravy they worked out a deal and Rory became the owner of an American Cream Draft horse. The grandmother had named the horse Port due to her love of Porter Wagoner, but Rory saw Port running in the field and thought his name more a tribute to football’s great Clinton Portis.

Because Port was strong, Rory decided to start a carriage tour business through Williamsburg. He reasoned that the Colonial Capital was more than pancake houses and pop-up ice skating rinks. He thought tourists would appreciate a casual ride around town learning about Williamsburg’s modern history. He dreamed that the autonomy of owning a business would be great for his psychological outlook.

He was wrong…

The traffic in Williamsburg had an extreme effect on Port’s digestion and gave him diarrhea that was most upsetting to the people. Fortunately, the visitors seemed to think it was part of the “show,” but the local government came at Rory full force. They ordered him to put a diaper on the horse or stop conducting his tours.

That night Rory put a headlamp on Port and the two headed deep into the woods so Rory could meditate on his dilemma. He brought a case of Stringduster  APA, his iPod cued to The Infamous Stringdusters, and a mantra based on string theory.

With the alcohol hitting and the banjo blaring, Rory began to repeat, “Open, closed, unification, open, closed, unification.” When the last beer was finished and the battery to the iPod dead, Rory found the clarity he needed to fight the little bureaucracy that is local government.

Rory petitioned the court to hear of the injustice that would be placed on a noble animal like Port if he were required to wear a diaper. In his request, Rory, made claim that the act of city government was in essence a sanctioned act of animal cruelty. Local papers followed the story and many opinions were written. Some people thought Rory’s argument extreme, but he also had supporters.

Finally, a practical judgment was announced. The honorable Judge Stricker said, “This case has many levels. I’ll quote Judge Hugo Spitz from Charleston, who said in 1975, ‘It is the opinion of this court that a horse was not designed by God to wear a diaper.’ That being said, Rory, you’ll must clean up after the horse within twenty four hours if he ‘drops it.’ Okay?”

“Yes, sir,” Rory said.

Rory’s Rides became a success in a town quickly growing from quaint to hectic.